NEW YORK—In a UN General Assembly meeting last Tuesday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani was initially reserved when questioned about rumors surrounding the construction of what appears to be a nuclear installation in the southeastern corner of Iran’s Alborz Province. Foreign diplomats and government intelligence services alike have been all too eager to hear how Iran’s leader would justify what seems to be an egregious affront to an international arms reductions treatise.
Speaking to the Associated Press earlier today, Rouhani revealed that the construction concerned “A sweet-ass waterslide, more intricate and advanced than the Western world has ever known.” When asked to elaborate on how this might affect international relations on a grand scale, Rouhani added that the tube would have “like, no waiting lines,” and that the ascending tower will be constructed “[around] a minaret, so as to optimize the functionality and general dopeness of the slide.” In response to questions of the projects intent, Rouhani responded saying, “Iran’s day in the sun has only now begun—we shall soon see Israel eclipsed by our towering monument to Iranian aqua-nuclear-supremacy.”
Shortly after the news broke, CIA spokesperson Jennifer Youngblood, in association with Raging Waters CEO Steven Jaundice, announced plans for an even taller, “more nuclear” slide, with, “loop-de-loops, a Crocodile Mile, and a huge drop where you’re like, Ohhh No! but it’s so fast and fun that you love it and want to do it again.” It was also disclosed that there will be a Pizza Hut & KFC combination eatery at its peak, whereupon a super intelligent ape will reside, having been trained to steal bikini tops from unsuspecting females for the sake of increasing U.S. national morale. Enabler reporters has made calls to the ape’s business residence, but have yet to hear back from him personally as of press time.
*UPDATE* In a development completely unexpected by political analysts, Albania has announced plans to lay down a tarp on a mostly dirt hill while strategically implementing a garden hose which has been borrowed from Greece.