HEAVEN — Millions of prayers coming in from around the world were denied yesterday evening as the Catholic Church appointed its first ever American pope. “I heard all the prayers from all the religions, and I know you were disappointed it wasn’t the Filipino Cardinal Tagle,” commented God, while denying JD Vance’s prayers to meet the new pope just yet. “But I mean, did you really think I’d be okay with all those Cardinal fancams? That’s basically idolatry, which deserves punishment.” At press time, God was seen deciding on whether or not it was time to send the flood.
