WESTWOOD—In light of UCLA faculty’s recent vote in favor of a diversity course requirement, Chancellor Gene Block has unveiled his latest invention: a 60-foot tall radioactive cannon dubbed the Diversitron 3000. Features of the device include an electromagnetic de-privilegizer with customizable oppression nozzles, a hydraulic racial leveling mechanism, and twelve fully-automated heat-sensitive affirmative actionators.
The machine was revealed along with a new proposal requiring students to be forcibly transformed into a variety of ethnic, gender, and cultural minorities.
“There has never been an easier way to expose students to such a wide selection of different backgrounds,” said Block in a recent interview conducted from his secret doomsday lair. “You just point the barrel at your target, flip the switch, and boom, diversity. You can also fine-tune the exact set of traits your subject will end up with, but I usually like to spin all the dials with my eyes closed and just see what comes out.”
Many students have come out in support of the new proposal, saying they are eager to take advantage of this unique educational opportunity.
“There are so many things I just never really understood until I experienced them firsthand,” said second-year student Bradley O’Brien, who is now a bisexual Jewish Peruvian woman. “The lessons I’ve learned so far will definitely stick with me long after this whole thing wears off. Wait, this does wear off eventually, right?”
Opponents of the new plan have criticized the lack of clear guidelines which delineate students who are “un-diverse” enough to qualify for the procedure in the first place.
“I know I look white, but I’m one-sixty-fourth Cherokee,” said first-year student Chelsea Hartwell. “And I have like, tons of gay friends. So why do I – Chancellor Block, wait, stop pointing that thing at me! Please, no!”
Nonetheless, Block has been a vocal advocate of the new requirement since its inception, stressing the importance of preparing students for life in an increasingly diverse multicultural world.
“I mean, even if the vote didn’t pass, I was going to build the Diversitron anyway,” he stated. “My plan was to mount it on top of Royce and just fire it at people at random, and I’d be all like, ‘yeah, that’ll teach them.’”
The interview ended when Block pulled his velvet cape up over his face, threw down a smoke bomb, and disappeared into the night. ❖