Fraternity Gets Black Guy

AUSTIN, TX — In a press release this Sunday, The University of Texas, Austin’s chapter of Xi Pi Phi announced that their newest pledge, Kyle Williams, was African American.

“Of course, we’re extremely excited to have Kyle join the legacy of Xi Pi,” fraternity president Cornelius Robinson said during his morning golf game. “We at Xi Pi Phi have always prided ourselves on acceptance and diversity, as shown by taking in over six black pledges over the last seventy years we have been at UT Austin. That’s over twice as many as Omicron Zeta Theta, which just really goes to show our commitment to diversity.”

Third year fraternity brothers Andrew Cooper and Donald Springfield expressed enthusiasm for their new pledge. “Yeah, we thought Kyle really stood out at rush, for some reason,” Cooper said, as he sorted his Sperry collection.

“I think it was just that natural cool charisma he’s got,” Springfield said while ironing a new suit. “He’s really going to shake this place up. We have a strong pledge class this semester, but man, Kyle, he’s something else entirely. What a guy.” Both students expressed interest in becoming his big as Kyle is “way more authentic than those other guys.”

However, Josiah Whitman, a second year fraternity brother, is concerned about cultural differences between the frat and Williams. Since the fraternity has not had an African American brother in many years, few brothers are knowledgeable about their culture or lifestyle.

“Kyle is obviously awesome, and I can’t wait until he joins, but we haven’t had a black brother in over eight years. I know they can’t eat something, but I don’t remember if it’s chicken or beef. What if I order the wrong food one day? And man, do you think he likes TV? I don’t want to put a TV in his room if he finds them offensive or something.” Josiah is currently debating between getting a bed or a futon for Kyle, but said, “I always support the forward thinking progressivism Xi Pi is known for.”

Kyle’s pledge class is less than excited, with numerous young men coming forward. Andrew Pine, first year pledge, said: “Look, nothing against Kyle personally but I worked really hard to get a goddamn bid. I had to come in three nights and kiss everyone’s ass. Kyle got a fucking bid the moment he walked in the room.”

In the words of fellow pledge Donald Jameson: “Yeah man, Kyle just has to go buy the older brothers food while I get forties strapped to my hands. It was really hard to drive home after that.” However, neither Pine nor Jameson would want Kyle to quit. “Kyle definitely belongs here. No doubt about it, he’s a part of the Xi Pi Phi legacy, same as us.”

On the whole, the fraternity seems excited for this new chapter of its journey.

“This is a game-changer for our fraternity,” fraternity president Robinson said. “People keep thinking of us as a club for rich white boys, but that’s really not the case. We’re open to rich people of all colors, and that’s something that transcends ethnicity for at least one African American male.” In his closing remarks, Robinson expressed his desire to recruit a Hispanic Asian in the next rush cycle. “There’s nothing as satisfying as killing two racially diverse birds with one extremely large, accepting stone.” 

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Kushal is a hurricane hitting a Brachiosaurus stuck in rush hour traffic. He is the harmless prank phone call that frightens your mother into moving your entire family eight counties away. He is the smell of freshly baked cookies eerily emanating from an abandoned mental asylum. He is an amazing writer and incredible talent.