LOS ANGELES—Parents today were shocked to find that the popular holiday mascot known as the Easter Bunny had left marijuana-laced “edibles” in children’s baskets across the Los Angeles region.
Though the Easter Bunny is not known to be a stoner, police say this overt act of celebration on what coincidentally happens to be one of the most important dates within the marijuana subculture is unmistakable.
“It all seemed fine for about an hour,” said Mary Goldworth, a concerned mother of two. “I didn’t take any of the children’s candy this year because I’m dieting, so I let them eat one chocolate each after breakfast.”
“About an hour later, [the children] became sedated and giggly,” continued Mark Goldworth, Mary’s husband. “We thought it was unusual, so I leaned down to ask the kids what was wrong… that’s when I noticed they had incredibly bloodshot eyes.”
The alarmed Goldworths quickly took their children to the local urgent care center. There they were met with the sight of several other families, also concerned for their children’s well-being. It is unclear how much marijuana was in the treats, as there are currently no medical tests able to measure amounts of THC in the body, however hospital officials described symptoms as “augmented”.
Laura Hidalgo, one of the nurses present, gave her comments on the situation:
“Their bodies are so tiny that even the smallest amounts of marijuana can get them high. While the effects are temporary, we don’t recommend giving marijuana to children under any circumstances. As a nurse, I can say that the children will be fine after a glass of chocolate milk and a viewing of Shrek, but as a mother, I say that the Easter Bunny should be ashamed of himself. How could he drug children without their parents’ permission? For God’s sake, at least let us know or have us sign permission slips!”
The Goldworths concluded they will be confiscating the children’s treats until an appropriate situation arises for the disposal of the goods. In addition, they’ve expressed a desire to hear from the Easter Bunny himself. Mr. Bunny has agreed to give comment at a press conference tonight, provided he is sober enough to appear on camera. ❖