Discovery of “Upload” Button on Soundcloud Transforms Talentless Boy into Professional DJ

LOS ANGELES — In an incredible transformation, the discovery of the upload button on Soundcloud has transformed a talentless Caucasian teenage boy into a professional DJ. “While browsing the Soundcloud website, I discovered that there is an ‘upload’ button, which means that virtually anybody can create and upload music, including me,” stated Sam Turner, a 17 year old high school senior. “I’ve been fiddling around with Garageband and made some really dope beats,” stated Turner, whose beats consist of simplistic, repetitive tunes that are audibly characteristic of a Garageband novice.

“I think if I get big enough, I can really make something out of this. Then I won’t have to go to community college,” continued Turner, who forcibly advertises his Soundcloud links onto friends and acquaintances. Turner, who recently branded himself as a “DJ” in his Tinder bio, then stated, “I’m planning on dropping a few thousand dollars onto speakers and electronic turntables.”

Turner enlisted a friend, Brandon Kirk, who also has absolutely no musical experience, to provide the lyrical component to his beats by recording his rap verses in a makeshift studio within Turner’s closet. “Rapping is my passion. It’s a way for me to express the enormous difficulties of growing up as a Caucasian in an upper-middle class neighborhood, as well as affirm my masculinity to my peers,” stated Kirk, who recently spent $300 of his father’s money on Xanax. “I go by B-POP now,” stated Kirk, referring to his rapper name.

Together, the duo is known as “Turner & B-POP.” The uploaded tracks on Soundcloud, which has garnered over 8 likes in just 24 hours, have made the duo an overnight sensation at their high school. “My next rap is going to be about Jessica, one of the hottest girls in our grade, giving me head while I was blacked on lean at a party last weekend,” stated Kirk.

That night, high schoolers at a small house party were found half-heartedly fist-pumping to Turner’s monotone beats, while Kirk stood in a black hoodie and baggy jeans awaiting his verse.