Crisis? We Haven’t Bombed The Middle East In A While

PENTAGON — The United States has not conducted large-scale drone strikes in a Middle Eastern country since 2021, prompting concerns that the nation’s military leaders are experiencing withdrawals. “It’s been over 78 days and five hours since we absolutely bodied that Syrian elementary school, so I’ve been getting the worst goddamn headaches,” announced Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Mark Milley, who’s been cheefing joints of Muslim ash since 1989. “Oh God, I can’t wait another minute. I tried to relieve the pain last week by bombing Somalia, but it just doesn’t hit the same.” At press time, Milley’s thick, calloused fingers intertwined with President Biden’s as both turned the keys to the nuclear submarines aimed at a village with one too many Muhammads.