NEW YORK—After a failed attempt through U.S. Customs and Immigration, Jesus Christ was detained and questioned by LaGuardia airport security on Saturday for several hours.
“I hadn’t been ‘downstairs’ in a couple millennia,” the Lamb of God explained to the press outside Terminal A. “I finally have the time since Heaven is a total paradise right now. We just got Carrie Fisher, and there’s been no sign of Fidel yet.”
The Messiah’s travel plans coincided with President Trump’s latest executive order, which banned foreign immigration from seven Middle Eastern countries.
“The Angel Gabriel thought I should have booked a direct flight into Jerusalem,” Christ added. “But last time I was in town, things didn’t go too well.
“I’ve heard opinions about me have finally changed around there, but I didn’t want to take any chances and die for humanity’s sins for a second time. I mean, that kind of defeats the whole point of me doing it the first time. Right?”
At press time, the exhausted Prophet of Nazareth was seen deleting the Uber app off his phone and instead calling a Lyft to take him into the city.