Charlie C’s Guide to Valentine’s Day


Roses. Chocolate. Candy hearts. Men snoring while their girlfriends soak up the entire couch watching The Notebook. These are the things that we associate with Valentine’s Day. On one of the most beloved—or hated by women with diseased cats—days of the year, one can’t help but think, “What should I do on MY Valentine’s Day?” Well, there are a lot of options for you on that special day of love. You can go to a nice Italian restaurant, stay in and dance to music from the 50’s, or you can call your mom and cry to her about your lack of love life and have her hang up in a rush so she can get it on with your dad. Yes, there is a plethora of activities to partake in. But did you know that some of these are loved and hated universally? Let me give you some examples:

For young men who can’t take their lovers to expensive dinners, please don’t go on a “movie” date where you oh-so-subtly pretend you got super horny in the movie theater and spontaneously ask for a blow job, as if you didn’t plan this out a week before. Women know, because they are smarter than your penis is. Women are like chess geniuses. They know your move ten steps ahead of you. So don’t pretend like you think she’d enjoy giving a blow job better because she’s not into action movies. LET HER WATCH CAPTAIN AMERICA IN PEACE. IT’S CAPTAIN AMERICA FOR GOD’S SAKE, YOU TERRORIST.

Whew. Now ladies, many of you, I’m not saying all of you, expect men to plan everything out and do all the work. That’s not helping the women’s rights movement at all. Help your man plan your “best Valentine’s Day ever”. Be in charge of the chocolate fountain. Or the restaurant reservation. Split the bill. Perhaps some pink and Red balloons that have “Jason and Lydia forever XOXO!” written on them? Don’t let YOUR Valentine’s Day contribution simply be “Access to my vagina is granted for the night.” Really get in there and do your share. And most importantly, let this be about love. Too much of Valentine’s has been commercialized, and I’m not going to go on to say all this overzealous stuff like “Valentine’s Day is a scam by large corporations to make money!” but at some point, we have to realize that if something goes wrong, like say the champagne you ordered hasn’t arrived, or you inadvertently confess to your boyfriend that you aborted his unborn child that he had no knowledge of and he gets upset for some strange reason, all that matters in the end is that love is a bond that can lift a person up in times of tribulation.

Now, that leads to my dear, favorite masses: the single ones. I’m not the one that thinks that being single is great because I’m a “strong and independent” person. Once you have been in a great relationship, you realize how lonely you feel alone. A partner is someone who can rely on you and who you can rely on when you hear that a relative has died or when your credit card maxes out (which is okay because your dead relative has left you some money. Great timing right? Thanks aunt Margaret!) But just know that you WILL end up with someone. There is somebody out there for everyone. For you really, really unattractive people, there is someone out there who is even uglier that thinks that you’re a reach! High-five! Please don’t procreate. You are unsure of it now, with your Doritos-stained sweatshirt and your dusty apartment, but there is someone out there who will eventually love you. Two years, five years, ten years from now, who knows? You could be the First Lady like Michelle Obama. But for heaven’s sake, let the president have some glazed donuts once in a while. Michelle, no one cares that you eat lettuce for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So go ahead and finish that bottle of wine by yourself while wearing that high school prom dress watching Desperate Housewives, because there is always a chance it will be magically different next year. ❖


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