ATLANTA — On Wednesday evening, the Centers for Disease Control announced a change in their guidelines for fully vaccinated Americans, allowing them to take one step closer to normalcy by smoking half-used cigarettes they find on the street. “It’s important to reward those who have gotten their vaccinations by letting them destroy their bodies with reckless abandon, just like they used to,” commented Dr. Anthony Fauci while chewing a piece of gum he found under his podium. “Over the past year, so many of us have suffered the heartbreak of seeing puff bars, joints, and cigs go to waste. We must remember the sacrifices of those who gave up those free extra hits for the good of our nation.” As case numbers continue to fall, public health officials hope that it will soon be safe again for vaccinated people to finish off random liquids from abandoned solo cups at parties.
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Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a fourth-year English major and Asian American Studies Minor. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.