UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes
BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]
Weather
Gift Of Prophecy? Californians Glad They Voted To Keep Inmate Firefighters Enslaved
CALIFORNIA — As Southern California wildfires stretch non-incarcerated fire crews thin, Democrats and Republicans alike are applauding their foresight in voting against Proposition 6, which would […]
Twelve Bike Cops Injured, Two Dead After Attempt To Arrest Ackerman Flood
WESTWOOD — After Ackerman and half of campus has been flooded, the leader of UCLA’s bicycle strike force is being blamed for its failure to […]
Icebreaker Questions Cause Melting Of Polar Ice Caps
ANTARCTICA — Scientists announced today that the polar ice caps have completely disappeared in the wake of years of icebreaker questions. “Carbon dioxide emissions cannot […]
“It’s Just Seasonal Depression,” Says Student During Spring Quarter
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Primrose Miller claimed Monday that their depression is just seasonal, despite it being week eight of spring quarter. “I’m usually totally fine. […]
Complaining About the Rain? Don’t Worry, Climate Change Will Get Rid Of It
WESTWOOD — You’ve been complaining for two months now about the rain we’ve gotten this winter. You’re telling everyone that you’re sick and tired of […]
7 Reasons To Stop Bitching About The Rain
I get it. You’re a spoiled Californian who has never experienced “seasons” or the minor inconvenience known as rain. Well, quit your whining. I happen […]
Wuss Uses Umbrella In Thunderstorm
WESTWOOD — Bearing resemblance to a spoon-fed toddler, local wuss Jimmy Wetblanket was spotted using an umbrella on campus following thunderstorm warnings. “I don’t understand […]