Opinion: I Need To Fuck Someone With A Scooter
Look, I’m over it. UCLA is basically an Olympic endurance course disguised as an academic institution. From walking up Bruin Walk to climbing the Death […]
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Bruin Jaywalking Club Killed In Freak Accident
WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, the newly founded Bruin jaywalking club announced that almost the entire club was killed in the middle of Gayley in […]
Project 2025 Announces “Pussylight Savings Time” Forcing Women To Set Back Their Menstrual Cycle Each Fall
Washington, D.C. — Project 2025 has added an innovative new pillar of conservatism to reclaim our nation: “Pussylight Savings Time,” which will forcibly set every […]
5 Halloween Looks That Scream “This Was Meant To Be A Couple’s Costume”
When people ask, “Where’s pepper?” you can laugh and say, “She got tired of me being salty all the time!” Then start crying and kill […]
TA Worried Strike Will Impact Weapons Manufacturing Job
WESTWOOD — As another TA strike seems imminent, some graduate students are more hesitant to support the cause. “It’s not like these foreign wars have […]
Biz Econ Major Excited To Commit White-Collar Crimes
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year business economics major Bordan Jelfort announced today that after years of experience in petty crime, he now intends to pursue a fruitful […]
ROTC Cadet Makes CAPS Appointment For Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder
WESTWOOD — Third-year ROTC Cadet Sammy Patriot has been desperately calling the CAPS crisis hotline to speak about his self-diagnosed Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). “I […]
Opinion: The Enabler Fired Me But I Can Still Log Into The Website
They thought they’d gotten rid of me. They told me I wasn’t funny enough for this publication and to go write for the Daily Bruin. […]
REPORT: English Major Still Can’t Spell Kerckhoff
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year English major Lauren Ipsum shocked friends and classmates Tuesday when she spelled the campus landmark as “Kirkhoff,” “Kerkoff,” and “Kirckoff” within a […]