Santa Delivers Coal To Rust Belt, Stimulating Economy
Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s […]
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Dr. Ben Carson Appointed To Remove Stick From Mike Pence’s Ass
WASHINGTON–With Donald J. Trump’s transition team still filling positions in his cabinet, the president-elect has announced the appointment of retired neurosurgeon and former primary rival […]
UCLA To Students: If You Donate One Kidney, Donors Will Back 250,000 More
WESTWOOD—Chancellor Gene D. Block announced in a university press release today that if enough students donate one kidney to UCLA for the True Bruin Challenge, […]
Area Man’s Opinion Absolutely Terrible
LOS ANGELES—Area man Randall Steele shared his absolutely terrible opinion with his co-workers while on their lunch break this past Thursday. “We were in the […]
Gene Block Invites Students To Challenge Him In One-On-One Basketball
WESTWOOD—In an email sent out to the student body today, Chancellor Gene Block notified the school that he has set aside time to face students […]
Freshman Milks Common App Essay For One More Club Application
WESTWOOD– Sources revealed that first-year Russell Price was successful in milking his Common App essay one last time for his final club application of the […]
40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs
Dear Students, As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common […]
Move Over, Houdini! This Guy Escaped From A Prison Cell Using Nothing But White Privilege
Have you ever wondered how magicians like Harry Houdini and Dorothy Dietrich pulled off their famous escape stunts? They must have had a spare key […]
President Reagan Hologram Booked To Perform At Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference held at the Republican National Committee headquarters earlier today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus jubilantly announced that he had […]
Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union
LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone […]