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National

U.S. Army Chorus Perform ‘Do You Hear The People Sing’ In Brave Protest Against Themselves

February 26, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Army Choir, who thought that ‘Les Miserables’ was French for ‘Miserable Lesbians’, conducted a fearless uprising against the U.S. military […]

Low-Hanging Fruit: Bad Comedian’s Balls Are Really Heavy

February 24, 2025 Sandall Tobias 0

AUSTIN — After a joke asking the woke mob to ‘DEI these nutz’, unfunny comedian Matt Rifle felt the beans in his wrinkly scrotum swell […]

Douchebag Dogwhistle: Avoid Men Who Use The Phrase “Walkable Cities”

February 19, 2025 Barrett Willet 0

WESTWOOD — Disastrous reports from the Douchebag Research Institute (the minds that broke the Patagonia-vest epidemic and “being written by a woman”) claim that the […]

Quirky! Indie Kid Records Concert On 3DS

February 17, 2025 Dana Badii 0

LOS ANGELES – While waiting for the Tyler, the Creator concert to begin, one indie kid made it his life’s mission to record the entire […]

Secretary Of State Successfully Names All 50

February 16, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference in the White House earlier today, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced that he had successfully named all […]

Ruh Roh! Scooby-Doo Put Down

February 11, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

OHIO — Tragedy struck this morning as beloved speech-impaired dog Scooby-Doo was put down. “He, like, mauled an old guy for pretending he was a […]

Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan To Headline “They’re Alive?” Festival

February 5, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

INDIO — Early Thursday morning, organizers of the famed “They’re Alive?” festival excitedly announced their two headliners: Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan. “No, it was […]

4 Things I Refuse To Apologize For After Being Held Hostage By The Pirates Of The Caribbean Animatronics For 93 Days

February 4, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

At first, I was ashamed. I was mortified. For years and years I hid in the shadows. I felt… embarrassed. I was embarrassed by all […]

Fine, Sure, Whatever: The Bear Wins Grammy for Song of the Year

February 3, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

LOS ANGELES — In a shocking upset, FX’s “The Bear” has won this year’s Grammy Award for Song of the Year. “I don’t really know […]

Ariana Grande Turns White After Eating Really Good Meatloaf

February 2, 2025 Dana Badii 0

BOCA RATON, FL – Ethnically ambiguous queen Ariana Grande has become white again after taking a bite of good ol’ fashioned meatloaf. “Well, golly! I […]

Posts pagination

« 1 … 3 4 5 … 35 »
  • Friend Who Can’t Drive Way Too Invested In Formula One

    AUSTIN, TX — This weekend, second-year Mechanical Engineering major Diem Vee posted multiple photo dumps of himself trackside at the 2025 United States Grand Prix […]

  • Ask The Enabler: Is It Too Late To Cancel My Den Pass Refund?

    Dear Westwood Enabler, I bought a Den Pass to maximize my time at UCLA and to give my uncle yet another excuse to bet on […]

  • Flakers Anonymous Reports Record Low Attendance

  • Consulting Clubs Consulted On What The Fuck They Actually Do

    WESTWOOD — UCLA’s ten thousand consulting clubs recently came under fire when they were consulted on what their clubs really do besides pose for headshots […]

  • Man With Fragile Ego Sits In Waymo Driver’s Seat

    WESTWOOD — While returning home from a failed driver’s license test, aspiring Cybertruck owner Grant T. Otto broke Waymo’s ‘rider rules’ by climbing into the […]

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Georgia McNeill
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Sam Rusk
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