Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day
WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the […]
National
Kinky Lab Rat Likes Being Abused
SEATTLE—Noting a spike in the serotonin levels of test subject 110021a, nicknamed “Alfred”, scientists at the Bryer National Laboratory concluded this morning that the rodent […]
FDA Increases Serving Size Of Jäger For Non-Pussies
WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration announced the department’s decision to increase the recommended serving size […]
Easter Bunny Leaves Eggs Filled With Edibles
LOS ANGELES—Parents today were shocked to find that the popular holiday mascot known as the Easter Bunny had left marijuana-laced “edibles” in children’s baskets across […]
Mysterious Piano Falls On Coyote In Desert
SONORAN DESERT—Arizona Highway Patrol were awestruck this morning when they discovered the disintegrated remains of an Eastern desert coyote spread for nearly sixty feet and […]
Child Discovers e-Books Also Come In Print Form
SEATTLE, WA – While attending a school field trip to the Seattle Public Library Wednesday, Haggerty Elementary 3rd grader Kevin Abernathy was astounded to discover […]
Rain Inspires Record Number Of Amateur Poets
LOS ANGELES—Citing the “motion of palm trees, like lonely children that shiver in the night” as well as the “glimmering pools of heaven’s tears”, a […]
Obama Issues Executive Order To Become Character In Game Of Thrones
NEW YORK—In an unprecedented use of executive authority, Barack Obama has issued an order to be written into the immensely-popular HBO fantasy series Game of […]
Cancer Patient Bearing Shaun White’s Hair Filled With Chagrin
MEMPHIS, TN – Julianna Norton, a 12-year old cancer patient at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, told reporters Thursday night that she has regrets about […]
Haunted House Willed to Heirs, If They Can Stay Through One Entire Night
SEATTLE, WA—After hearing of their late great-uncle Alfred Corman’s passing via his obituary in the Seattle Evening Post, siblings Andrew and Pauline Mortensen were left […]