Dalai Lama’s Lives Flash Before His Eyes
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In the split second a cargo truck veered toward him, the Dalai Lama’s lives flashed before his eyes. “At first I could see a […]
International
Report: Ambiguity Maybe Annoying Sometimes
WESTWOOD—A recent report from the Eh Center of Studies suggests that ambiguity may be annoying sometimes. Released sometime in the last month, the report hints […]
Student Has Perfect Thing To Add To Lecture
WESTWOOD — Much to the admiration of those around her, second year Jessica Grant confirmed Monday that she had like the perfect thing to add to […]
Mars Sends Probe To Find Water In Central California
SECTOR 81-B, MARS — A group of Martian researchers have launched a probe designed to search for traces of water on Central Californian soil, according […]
ISIS Seizes Two Hundred Square Miles Of Sand
SYRIA – In an offensive launched from northern Ar-Raqqah last night, the Islamic State seized control of a two hundred square mile stretch of uninhabited […]
Report: Quality Of Fanfics Goes Down
MELBOURNE—Recent statistics from the Australian Bureau of Pop Culture indicate that the quality of fan-written fiction about a series, or “fanfics”, tends to go downhill […]
Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up
GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and […]
U.S. Sends Special Task Force To Sexually Liberate Middle East
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson […]
Sea Creatures Invade Land; Land Creatures Encouraged To Take Flight
EARTH—In light of the sudden mass migration of vast amounts of sea life onto the shores of the world, scientists across the globe issued statements […]
Satirical Newspaper Publishes Sub-Par Article
INTERNETS—The humor sector was gravely dismayed after an established satirical humorous comedy newspaper released to its trusting, naive readers a story which failed to be […]