Local Woman Finally Decides To Settle Down And Adopt A Highway
THE 101 — In an inspiring story out of Los Angeles, 32-year-old feminist Simone Hedrick has made the brave decision to finally settle down and […]
News
FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims
SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]
‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank
NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]
Students, Viruses Enjoy Return to Campus
WESTWOOD — The UCLA community, and the UCLA virus community lying dormant in students’ bloodstreams, began its return to campus this week with excitement. “It […]
Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School
WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]
Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President
WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]
Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now
FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]
You Win Some, You Lose Some: The Dog That Was Elected Mayor Of A Small Town Was Just Pancaked By A Cement Mixer
HUCKLEBERRY GROVE, KY — Amid the drama of last year’s election, the people of Huckleberry Grove made headlines across the nation when they elected a […]
Opinion: Masks Make It Impossible to Hear My Professor, Also Being Asleep
On the first day of fall quarter, I walked into class five to forty minutes late and saw a sea of masks — blue, black, […]
Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]