Students Nervously Wonder How CEC Will Fuck It Up This Time
WESTWOOD – Following a well-received announcement that CupCaKKe and Charli XCX will be headlining this year’s BruinBash concert, students at the University of California, Los […]
A&E
Miss America Pageant to Replace Swimsuit Competition With Naked Mud Wrestle
NEW YORK —The Miss America Organization has reportedly dropped the swimsuit portion of the competition, replacing the category with a WWE-style naked mud wrestle. “We […]
Thirteen Year Old Beatles Fan Born In Wrong Generation
SAN ANTONIO — Thirteen year old Beatles fan Allan Davis realized early Monday morning that he was, in fact, born in the wrong generation. “Like this comment […]
“I Think You Mean Frankenstein’s Monster,” Says Friend
WESTWOOD — Interrupting first-year Sarah Ahmed’s description of the role her eighth grade English teacher played in sparking her love for literature, Ahmed’s friend, first-year Aaron […]
Man Who Hasn’t Washed Jeans in Three Weeks Mocks Met Gala Outfits
WESTWOOD — Sources close to the scene report that Dave Sanders, a man who has not washed his jeans in three weeks, spent four hours […]
Huge Upset: Avengers Infinity War Outperforms Amy Schumer Movie
HOLLYWOOD — Critics’ expectations were defied this week when Avengers: Infinity War brought in more money than Amy Schumer’s I Feel Pretty. “I’m extremely surprised […]
Local Kanye Apologist Having A Really Bad Week
WESTWOOD — Sources report local Kanye apologist Sam Bradley is having a really bad week. “I mean, I always knew Kanye was insane. But insane in […]
Movie Review: I Haven’t Watched “Black Panther” Yet, But I Know It’s Good
Today I’m reviewing a movie I really love, “Black Panther.” Well, actually, it doesn’t come out for a few more weeks and that means I […]
CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of the organization to properly distribute […]
Moonlight’s Win Absolves Academy of Passive Racial Exclusivity
LOS ANGELES — Following Moonlight‘s Oscars win for Best Picture, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was happily absolved of all racial prejudice […]