WESTWOOD — UCLA Campus Tours announced that as a Bruin Day special, each admitted students tour now comes with a free bag of peanuts for prospective Bruins to throw at students like they’re at the zoo. “I was flyering for a pre-everything fraternity on Bruinwalk when a greasy high schooler threw a peanut at me and told me to ‘dance, monkey, dance,’” said first-year Biology major Darles Charwin, breaking out into hives and frantically looking for an Epi-Pen. “The tour guide didn’t even care! They just kept walking backwards with their big dumb Hydro Flask, saying how ‘there’s a club for everyone at UCLA’, and how we’re sooo unique for having a Quidditch team.” At press time, Charwin went into anaphylactic shock while an overeager parent tried getting their kid to ask him what he thought about UCLA.
