BREAKING: USAC Candidate Dick Johnson Sanctioned For Phallic Name

WESTWOOD — The undergraduate student government election board issued a sanction Friday morning. Dick Johnson, a candidate running for Community Services Commissioner, was sanctioned for his phallic name and platform references.


The Election Code states that candidates who engage in tomfoolery and wordplay of the penile nature are obscene and immature, and not respecting this serious political endeavor.

The board has prevented Dick Johnson from campaigning from 11 AM to 1 PM on Friday, and has ordered that he get a legal name change or just go by Richard until it can be formalized. Furthermore, they have politely asked UCLA gardening staff to publicly refuse to comply with any requests for bushy foliage in the sunken gardens.

About Kushal Chatterjee 60 Articles
Kushal is a hurricane hitting a Brachiosaurus stuck in rush hour traffic. He is the harmless prank phone call that frightens your mother into moving your entire family eight counties away. He is the smell of freshly baked cookies eerily emanating from an abandoned mental asylum. He is an amazing writer and incredible talent.