“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet

WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in exchange for the possibility of water. “Some people say it’s sick to derive sexual pleasure from the misfortune of others, but I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with it,” said the faucet, who appears to be lashing out after the amputation of both of his knobs during the Renovation of 2019. “I work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. How would you feel if someone waved their hands in your face after fondling their nether regions? These disgusting people with their dirty hands and their oily faces all want water, and I’ve got lots of it. Well, that’s called leverage, baby.” At press time, the automatic faucet added that his friend, the paper towel dispenser, has a big thing for feet.