UCLA School of Public Health Recommends Washing Your Damn Hands, Alex
WESTWOOD—Last week, faculty from UCLA’s College of Public Health recommended that after using the restroom Alex should wash his damn hands. “Handwashing is an easy […]
Articles by Nathan Grovhoug
Migrant Crisis Reminds Man To Check For Ants Under Kitchen Sink
WESTWOOD—A recent article considering the migrant crisis in Western Europe reminded area man Jacob Schultz to check for ants under his kitchen sink. “They might […]
Report: Feminists Develop Less Phallic Toothbrush
WESTWOOD—Feminist entrepreneurial group, For Her Inc., announced the development of a new, less phallic toothbrush for women to be rolled out in the fall quarter […]
Dreaming Agricultural Science Major Visited By Sagacious Ear Of Corn
COLLEGE STATION, TX—While coquettishly fending off the advances of a sexually aggressive tomato, dreaming Agricultural Science major from Texas A&M University Hannah Joles was visited […]
Area Father Just Swinging By To See What’s Up
WESTWOOD—Curious about his child’s day, local father Hugh Lewis swung by his room to see what’s up. “Hey, just got back from work, so what’s […]
Man Struggling With Unwieldy Water Hose Unintentionally Arouses Everyone Around Him
WESTWOOD—During a particularly heated bout with an unwieldy water hose in his front yard, area man Leo Simons unintentionally aroused everyone around him in an […]
Student Gets Massive Thrill From Not Locking Stall Door While Defecating
WESTWOOD—Having already drawn down his pants and committed to a bowel movement in a public bathroom, Statistics major Steven Chu received a massive thrill when […]
Hallmate Wants To Show You His Sick Ass Dorm Setup
WESTWOOD—After lingering in the hallway for a substantial portion of the morning, your hallmate, Sociology major Steven Carlinsky, expressed his desire for you to check […]
“Thanks For The Spit!” Says Spit Fetishist Outside Trump Rally
RICHMOND, VA—After scouring the Richmond venue for human secretions with a homemade vacuum attached to a large mason jar worn on his back, Clement Augustine […]
Christ Returns, Forgot Some Stuff In Capernaum
ISRAEL—Jesus Christ, the inspiration for the Christian faith, will take the next couple of days to collect a pair of sheepskin moccasins and a favorite […]