Student Neglects to Forward Chain Letter, Almost Dies
WESTWOOD – Yesterday morning, police were called to UCLA’s dormitories after a student woke up in terror. The student, whose name cannot be revealed for […]
Articles by Jessica Waite
Royce Light Show “More Dangerous Than Banned Pokemon Episode”
WESTWOOD – Rumors surrounding the Royce Hall light show have been working their way up and down Bruinwalk, and some of them are not in […]
UCLA Secrets Used To Uncover Double Homicide
WESTWOOD – The UCPD has announced that the latest piece of evidence in their double-homicide case was revealed through “UCLA Secrets”, a Facebook page operated […]
Spring Sing Showdown To Be Held At Rose Bowl
WESTWOOD – In response to continuing demand for Spring Sing tickets, the UCLA Central Ticketing Office (CTO) has announced a special competition—for those who could not […]
Easter Bunny Leaves Eggs Filled With Edibles
LOS ANGELES—Parents today were shocked to find that the popular holiday mascot known as the Easter Bunny had left marijuana-laced “edibles” in children’s baskets across […]
Pauley Pavilion to Be Converted Into Sexile Refugee Camp
WESTWOOD – In response to a sudden increase in sexual activity in campus-owned housing, UCLA has announced its decision to convert Pauley Pavilion into a […]
Satan Buys Out Westwood Enabler
WESTWOOD – In a press conference today, The Westwood Enabler announced that Satan has acquired the student-run paper. The paper, looking for funds, held an […]
Student Discovers Parents Have Been Paying Friends to Attend Birthday Parties
BRENTWOOD—In a shocking turn of events, student Dominic Downer discovered that his parents really had been paying his friends to attend his birthday parties for […]
UCLA Students In Uproar Over Cookie Shortage
WESTWOOD – Police were called in today to break up a riot that started after an unnamed pre-med student purchased the last box of Thin […]
A Guide to Cockblocking: How to Ensure No One Else Gets Laid, Either
Are you tired of watching your friends bring home a different partner after every party? Sick of being sexiled? Just plain lonely and bitter? The […]