Campus Squirrels Form Paramilitary Unit
WESTWOOD — After years of pizza, quesadilla, and donut thievery, UCLA’s campus squirrels have militarized in order to obtain junk food more easily. “Ever heard […]
Articles by Gillian Smith
Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing
Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]
EXPOSED: Queen Elizabeth Is A Nepotism Baby
LONDON — Sources revealed early Tuesday morning that Queen Elizabeth II is a product of nepotism. “I looked her up on Wikipedia and her parents’ […]
Breaking: UCLA Has A Women’s Basketball Team, Too!
WESTWOOD — Undercover journalists for the Daily Bruin’s sports desk have unearthed information suggesting that UCLA has a women’s basketball team that also wins games […]
How To Know If Your Boyfriend Is Inbred
Dating is a scary activity. One minute, you and your boyfriend are laughing around the dinner table. But what’s that? Uh oh! His jaw. Is […]
Chick-Fil-A Promises To Donate Half Of Employees’ Wages To LGBT Charities
COLLEGE PARK, GA — In a groundbreaking win for LGBT rights, Chick-Fil-A has announced its decision to donate half of its employees’ hourly wages to […]
Boelter’s Nerd Infestation Reaches Alarming Heights
WESTWOOD — Los Angeles County Animal Control reported Tuesday that Boelter Hall’s nerd infestation has reached alarming heights. “We were able to capture a large […]
Report: Your Neighbor Only Practices Trombone Because He Hates You
WESTWOOD — After careful consideration of the evidence, we’re certain that your neighbor- the one saved in your phone as “Angus from Apartment 216”- only […]
BREAKING: Humanities Student Applies To Law School
WESTWOOD — UCLA has once again distinguished itself as a prestigious university following a groundbreaking move by history major Daniel Pelzman, who defied societal expectations […]