WESTWOOD — Dykstra Hall residents braced themselves this morning, expecting the usual mound of high grade, Epicuria-produced shit sitting on top of their communal urinals, but were shocked to find out that the Dykstra Urinal Shitter did not strike at his usual danger zone: instead, at Hedrick Hall. “It’s fucking nasty but god, whoever that depraved freak is, they’ve got ass cheeks of steel,” expressed first-year computer science major and Hedrick hall resident Nicholas Shihimself, after meeting the sight of a failed wafflestomp in the communal shower. “You have to be a different kind of sicko to hold all that in while climbing up the mountain of stairs. Shit must’ve been crowning.” At press time, a UCLA-hired detective was seen stationed near Smile Hotdogs, trying to see who forgot their lactaid pill and still ordered the mozzarella dog.