Student Hits Snooze On All 5 Aspirationally Early Alarms
WESTWOOD — This morning, after sleeping through all five of their alarms, third-year Neuroscience major Terry Sleepyhead finally got up at noon for their aspirational […]
Month: October 2023
Opinion: Dropping This Class Is Not Enough; I Need to Infest Haines Hall With Locusts
As the 18th-century Scottish poet Robert Burns once wrote, “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” I don’t actually know what that […]
“Let’s Work On That, Friend!” Roommate Can’t Shake Her Camp Counselor Energy
WESTWOOD — Second-year Education and Social Transformation major Jessica Thomas, better known as Lead Counselor Super Sparkles, came back to campus with a distinct new […]
Campus Couple Not Doing Anything Out Of The Ordinary Under That Blanket
WESTWOOD — The UCLA community was relieved to discover yesterday afternoon that the students concealed by a large picnic blanket were just trying to watch […]
Opinion: On-Campus Residents Should Tip Their Landlord
A little birdie told me that people on campus aren’t fulfilling their duty of tipping Mr. GB. After getting a measly 25% raise to $625,000 […]
Opinion: If We Want To Save The Community Center, We’ll Have To Put On The Best Damn Talent Show This Town Has Ever Seen
My fellow youths, we all know by now that our beloved community center is in danger of getting shut down. The question now is what […]
Discussion Section Evolves Into Orgy
WESTWOOD – Third-year John Smith was aroused and afraid when his HIST 13B discussion devolved into an orgy. “I didn’t want to lose participation points, […]
8-Person Gayley Heights Apartments Revealed To Be Elaborate Social Experiment
WESTWOOD — Yesterday evening, Dr. Philip Styles of the UCLA Psychology Department revealed to a small cohort of graduate students that creating 8-person apartments in […]
Meet Cute? These Two Campus Tour Guides Walked Backwards Into Each Other
WESTWOOD — Love was in the air Wednesday morning as Julia Benson and Sam Hernandez walked backwards into each other while leading campus tours. “That’s […]
“Heyy Girly!! Do You Mind If I Use Your First Aid Kit?” Asks Roommate Bleeding To Death
WESTWOOD — Third-year physics major Annabel Brown texted her roommate asking for permission to use her first aid kit Thursday, as she lay bleeding to […]