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Month: September 2022

Students Near Molecular Sciences Building Develop Superpowers

September 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD— Following reports yesterday of an environmental hazard at the Molecular Sciences Building, students exposed at the scene have developed superpowers. “Next time I take […]

Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside

September 29, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]

Punk’s Not Dead! Your 13-Year-Old Cousin Just Called You A Bitch

September 29, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

BEL-AIR — Your 13-year old cousin proved definitively that the spirit of punk is alive and well in the younger generation last Friday, when she […]

Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage

September 27, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]

Report: Guy In Your Discussion Section Just Misused “Machiavellian”

September 23, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — An anonymous source revealed late Friday afternoon that a guy in your discussion section just confidently described something as “Machiavellian,” when it was, […]

Move Over UCLA Mom Shirt! Here Are 6 New Shirts For The Special People In Your Life Who Helped You Get To Where You Are Today!

September 22, 2022 Billie Chang 0

Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines

September 21, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]

Enormous Activities Fair Threatened By Prospect Of Humongous Activities Fair

September 20, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA students and organizations alike were alarmed to learn Tuesday of a number of fliers found around campus advertising a “Humongous Activities Fair.” […]

Bruin Bash 2022 To Feature Literal Bashing

September 19, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — Amid widespread speculation over which artist will be headlining UCLA’s Bruin Bash, exciting information has come to light: the 2022 edition of the […]

Lack Of Strict Adherence To Move-In Time Now Punishable By Death

September 18, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing community was rocked by a major policy change Saturday, when students arriving for move-in outside of their designated appointment times […]

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