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Month: September 2022

Students Near Molecular Sciences Building Develop Superpowers

September 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD— Following reports yesterday of an environmental hazard at the Molecular Sciences Building, students exposed at the scene have developed superpowers. “Next time I take […]

Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside

September 29, 2022 Enabler Staff 0

WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]

Punk’s Not Dead! Your 13-Year-Old Cousin Just Called You A Bitch

September 29, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

BEL-AIR — Your 13-year old cousin proved definitively that the spirit of punk is alive and well in the younger generation last Friday, when she […]

Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage

September 27, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]

Report: Guy In Your Discussion Section Just Misused “Machiavellian”

September 23, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — An anonymous source revealed late Friday afternoon that a guy in your discussion section just confidently described something as “Machiavellian,” when it was, […]

Move Over UCLA Mom Shirt! Here Are 6 New Shirts For The Special People In Your Life Who Helped You Get To Where You Are Today!

September 22, 2022 Billie Chang 0

Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines

September 21, 2022 Enabler Staff 0

WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]

Enormous Activities Fair Threatened By Prospect Of Humongous Activities Fair

September 20, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA students and organizations alike were alarmed to learn Tuesday of a number of fliers found around campus advertising a “Humongous Activities Fair.” […]

Bruin Bash 2022 To Feature Literal Bashing

September 19, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — Amid widespread speculation over which artist will be headlining UCLA’s Bruin Bash, exciting information has come to light: the 2022 edition of the […]

Lack Of Strict Adherence To Move-In Time Now Punishable By Death

September 18, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing community was rocked by a major policy change Saturday, when students arriving for move-in outside of their designated appointment times […]

Posts pagination

1 2 »

  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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