BREAKING: Everyone Who Commented “pls admit me” On UCLA’s Instagram Was Just Accepted
WESTWOOD — In a ground-breaking decision, the Board of Admissions at UCLA has accepted all undergraduate applicants who commented a message akin to “pls admit […]
Month: March 2022
Opinion: I Was Going To Make A Will Smith Joke, But I Am Afraid
Hi all, I hope we are all aware of what transpired on Sunday, March 27th at the Dolby Theatre. It was a night that will […]
Gone But Not Forgotten… Wait Nevermind, Who Is This?
WESTWOOD — The whole campus came together today to mourn the recent passing of… well, we are not quite clear on that. “It’s hard to […]
Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement
CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal […]
Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini
LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]
Campus Squirrels Form Paramilitary Unit
WESTWOOD — After years of pizza, quesadilla, and donut thievery, UCLA’s campus squirrels have militarized in order to obtain junk food more easily. “Ever heard […]
Pope Francis Says Homosexuality OK, Lactaid Unnatural
VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. […]
Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing
Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]
HBO Releases New Euphoria Inspired Drugs
NEW YORK, NY— Following the massive success of the second season of “Euphoria,” A24 announced the release of a new line of drugs inspired by […]
Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot
WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]