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Month: December 2021

Nicki Minaj Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Starship Delivery Bots Not Meant To Fly

December 31, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD — Tears could be heard after avid Nicki Minaj fan Barbz “Bang Bang” Bass kicked a delivery bot down Tongva steps only to realize […]

Woke man in bed

Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land

December 30, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]

4th Year Philosophy Student Incapable Of Producing Original Thought

December 29, 2021 Ryan Wu 0

WESTWOOD — After years of studying nothing but theory, fourth year Philosophy student Mark Li had to be informed that he was incapable of producing […]

Gruntled Employee Brings In Cupcakes

December 28, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

PHOENIX— Law enforcement responded to a call this morning from the Phoenix Post Office after Joanne Baker, a gruntled former employee, brought in cupcakes. “Once […]

Good News! Ashe Appointment Available December 2022

December 27, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — On her fifth call to the Ashe Center, second-year Natalie Johnson was able to secure a primary care appointment for December 2022. “I’m […]

Local Woman Takes Back Night By Asking Mom If She Really Needs Second Helping

December 24, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

LOS ANGELES — This Christmas, Ellie Smith is taking back the night by asking her mom if she really needs that second helping. “This is […]

Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President

December 23, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]

5’8” Men Now Listing “One Tom Holland” As Height On Tinder

December 22, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

LOS ANGELES — Following the release of “Spiderman: No Way Home,” data scientists at Tinder report that men who are 5’8” are now changing their […]

Meeting That Could Have Been Zoom Call Could Have Been Email

December 21, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

CLAYTON, MO— For the third time this week, employees at Enterprise Rent-A-Car were dismayed to learn that they would be required to attend a meeting […]

Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change

December 20, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]

Posts pagination

1 2 3 »

  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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