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Month: November 2021

Scientists Discover Why Looking At Photos Of Gene Block Makes Your Dick Twitch

November 30, 2021 Gillian Smith 0

CAMBRIDGE— After several months of careful experimentation, MIT’s leading neurologists have finally identified why scrolling through Chancellor Gene Block’s Facebook makes your dick twitch. “The […]

Opinion: I Went Undercover To Expose Frat Culture And I’m Having The Time Of My Life

November 29, 2021 Max Flora 0

WESTWOOD — When I arrived on the first day of rush, I was a man with a mission. It was my first time ever encountering […]

Uh Oh! You Just Got Invited To An Improv Show

November 27, 2021 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — Amateur comedians have been bombarding unsuspecting students over the past week with invites to their improv shows, and you are their latest victim. […]

Thanksgiving Dinner Ruined By Grandpa’s Politics, And His Musty Fucking Breath

November 26, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

HOME — Grandpa Max ruined his family’s annual thanksgiving dinner by bringing up his insensitive antiquated politics and by having really smelly breath. “I think […]

Macy’s Thinks It’s About Time Deadbeat Nordstrom Hosts Parade For Once

November 25, 2021 Billie Chang 0

NEW YORK CITY — In a statement given Thursday morning, Macy’s reaffirmed its displeasure with having to throw the annual Thanksgiving Day parade, calling upon […]

Thanksgiving Renamed To White Thursday

November 25, 2021 Milo Ellison 0

WASHINGTON — In the spirit of color coordination and honoring our colonial past, the White House has announced that Thanksgiving will be renamed White Thursday. […]

“It’s Giving: Thanks,” And Other Hip Phrases To Win Over Your 13-Year-Old Cousin At Thanksgiving

November 24, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

It’s almost time for Thanksgiving, which means a well-deserved respite from the quarter system: going home, eating delicious food, and reflecting on the plethora of […]

Skater Decides Walking Would Have Looked Way Cooler Than Wiping Out On Bruin Walk

November 23, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD — After wiping out on Bruin Walk, skater Ken Bone decided he would have looked a lot cooler if he had walked instead. “At […]

Report: Male Pattern Baldness Also Extends To Pubes

November 22, 2021 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A recent report found that 70% of balding men also reported hair loss in the pubic region. “For a lot of us, […]

UCLA Threatens To Leak Social Security Numbers If USC Wins (On Purpose This Time)

November 20, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — In a joint statement released today, Chip Kelly, Martin Jarmond, and Gene Block threatened to purposefully leak the entire UCLA student body’s social […]

Posts pagination

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  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site

    Dear Julio Frenk, UCLA has been under a lot of controversy lately. The encampments and the mob attack on them, the cops everywhere, deportations, budget […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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