First-Year Debuts New Personality At Thanksgiving
MINNEAPOLIS — 19-year-old Thor Bjornson was spotted deplaning in sandals and a The Longest Summer t-shirt at Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport on Wednesday night. “I’m stoked […]
Month: November 2019
Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out
LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]
Zuckerberg Under Fire Following Reports Of Dinner With Lex Luthor, Legion of Doom
HALL OF DOOM — Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is in hot water following reports of “off-the-record” dinners with Lex Luthor and assorted members of the […]
Local Man Not Nazi, Just Thinks Swastikas Look Cool
LOS ANGELES — In an unsolicited interview Friday evening, local WASP Luke Campbell adamantly refused any allegiance to the Third Reich, despite a prominent swastika […]
Dick Cheney Finds Unlikely Success as TikTok Star
CASPER, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney created an account on TikTok last week and credited Donald Trump as the inspiration behind his decision […]
CAPS Introduces New “Ball-and-Stick With Smiley Faces” Counseling Unit
WESTWOOD — In an effort to keep up with the rising demand of students seeking mental health treatment, UCLA Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced […]
Number of Acapella Groups Reaches Triple Digits
WESTWOOD — Local UCLA officials reported today that the number of campus acapella groups has reached triple digits, and shows no sign of slowing down. […]
Bruin Plate Introduces Bottomless Mimosas
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing department has recently announced that Bruin Plate, UCLA’s newest and largest dining hall, will begin serving bottomless mimosas beginning in […]
Study: Productivity Increases 360% When Chairs Can Swivel All The Way Around
WESTWOOD — Confidently swiveling in all directions to address her audience, project lead Angela Moriarty announced her team’s findings, which conclude that productivity increases 360% […]
Academy Accidentally Leaks Next Year’s “In Memoriam” Segment
LOS ANGELES — Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are attempting damage control following reports that next year’s Oscars “In Memoriam” […]