1/5 Dentists Agree Flossing For Little Bitch Boys
NEW YORK — The American Dental Association released a groundbreaking study this weekend which showed that while four out of five dentists agree that daily […]
Month: October 2019
Drunk Area Woman Reverses Stance on Cigarettes
PORTLAND — After a former public record of speaking out against her peers’ use of cigarettes, area woman Cheyenne Rhodes appeared to have flip-flopped on […]
No Progress Made To UCLA Internet After Invention Of Internet
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Richter Scale Objectifies Earthquakes, Claims California Advocacy Group
SAN FRANCISCO — Following a slew of recent earthquakes, a Bay Area advocacy group demanded the use of the Richter scale be discontinued due to […]
Op-Ed: Never Mind, It’s Just Another Amber Alert
WESTWOOD — Oh my god, my phone’s buzzing. Do you hear that? What if it’s something important? Maybe it’s Mark calling, finally confessing his love […]
Op-Ed: I Think My Girlfriend Is Actually Tupac In Disguise
I consider myself a rational person. I take things as they come, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I definitely don’t believe in […]
Money Can’t Buy Happiness, Reports Man in Upper Middle Class
PALO ALTO — Jason Duane, a man lucky enough to be born into a financially secure family, recently reported that having money is not, in […]
Father-Son Fishing Trip Goes Sour When Both Realize Fishing Sucks
LAKE MICHIGAN — Last week off the shore of Lake Michigan, a father-son fishing trip took a turn for the worse when they realized that […]
South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice
WESTWOOD — Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it […]