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Month: August 2019

Epstein Victims Get Day In Court, Free Starbucks Gift Cards

August 28, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

NEW YORK — Nearly three weeks after alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, his many accusers were granted the chance to share their stories […]

Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”

August 26, 2019 Jennifer Harbeck 0

WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]

Woman Comfortable With Stranger’s Genitals In Mouth Doesn’t Eat Gluten

August 26, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — In a Westwood Enabler exclusive interview, third-year Rebecca Wright announced that she will be starting a gluten-free diet, although she plans to continue […]

Default Browser Somehow Bing Again

August 24, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — After attempting to Google-search “Game of Thrones Season 8 Finale Free Streaming 1080p,” second-year biology major Serena Tambor discovered her default browser had […]

Gene Block Outbids Trump, Buys Greenland

August 22, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

NUUK, GREENLAND — In an unexpected turn of events, Chancellor Gene Block outbid President Trump in the competitive and closely-watched sale of Greenland. “In many […]

Male Scientists Close To Discovering Clitoris’ Location

August 21, 2019 Joshua Rice 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that a highly qualified team of male scientists tasked with detailing the […]

Jimmy Carter Hit By 18-Wheeler, Survives

August 14, 2019 Grace Johnston-Glick 0

PLAINS, GA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end […]

Op-Ed: Jimmy Carter Is Dead

August 14, 2019 Darryl Daniels 0

Let me be the first to say it. I’m happy to be the voice for the voiceless. After many hours of contemplation and meditation on […]

Recent Graduate Gets Dream Job At Firm

August 14, 2019 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD — Recently graduated business-economics major Blake Gordon has accepted his “dream job” with The McGerald Corporation, a big firm that performs consulting and auditing […]

Report: Uber Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations

August 14, 2019 Han Singer 0

WESTWOOD — A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience produced findings which suggest that Uber drivers are sentient beings, and can hear your […]

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