Lesbian Doesn’t Have Boyfriend Yet, Grandma Reports
FRESNO, CA — Third-year Human Biology Major and open lesbian Marcy Yee went home this holiday season without a man, to the utter shock of […]
Month: November 2018
UCLA Bans Bruin Walk Flyerers in Effort to Eliminate Waste by 2020
WESTWOOD — As part of UCLA’s green initiative to eliminate all waste by 2020, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block announced that flyers and subsequent flyer-ers on […]
UCLA Radio Rejections Spur Return Of Doc Martens
WESTWOOD — Following UCLA Radio’s record low admission rate into their intern program three weeks ago, the Doc Martens company experienced a record high surge in […]
Roommate Files Petition To Open Window A Tiny Bit
WESTWOOD — Entreating Bruin Walk commuters with the pleading look of something dying in the road, Dykstra roommate Ron Timmons this morning began his petition […]
Computer Science Student Downloads Consciousness Into Computer To Master Curriculum
WESTWOOD — In fear of falling behind his peers, third year computer science student Edward Lu effectively turned himself into a computer yesterday before his midterm […]
Taylor Swift to Start New, Flirtier Political Party
NASHVILLE, TN — In response to backlash regarding her recent endorsement for the Democratic party, Taylor Swift has released a statement regarding her plans to start […]
Mom Watches Every “The Rock” Film for the Plot
WESTWOOD — Carla Batoots, proud mother of five, has recently caught the attention of film critics nationwide for her staunch defense of every movie starring […]
P: It Is Our Duty To Pick Up Fallen Bird Scooters / CP: No
P: It Is Our Duty To Pick Up Fallen Bird Scooters By Edgar Montgomery Smith As residents of Westwood, it is our collective responsibility to […]
Domino’s Announces Free Eye Drops Now Included With Large Pizza
ANN ARBOR, MI – On Thursday, Domino’s Pizza Chief Operating Officer Russell Weiner announced that customers will now receive complimentary eye drops with their delivery […]
Area Woman Discovers Hair Color Changeable, Deeply Entrenched Flaws Not
WESTWOOD — In a recent turn of events, pretty subpar woman Madison Wheeler came to the upsetting realization that dyeing her hair did not transform […]