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Month: March 2018

Submission: Regarding David Hogg’s Admission

March 29, 2018 Gary A. Clark, Jr. 0

Dear David: After careful review of your application for admission, we regret to inform you that we are not able to offer you admission for […]

North Campus T.A. Growing Out Gross Beard

March 28, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — Philosophy 100A TA Mark Isaacs announced this week that he would be growing out a gross beard in the coming quarter. “As I […]

Words of Prophets Discovered On “Bitch Problems” Twitter Account

March 28, 2018 Jack Lyons 0

TWITTER.COM — Theological scholars this past week discovered fully intact prophetic scripture in the annals of a Twitter account with the handle “Bitch Problems.” “You need […]

Submission: Gelato Way Better Over There

March 28, 2018 Friend Who Studied Abroad 0

Hi there! It’s me, your friend who studied abroad in Rome over Winter Quarter. Listen, I don’t want to sound like a cliché, but Study […]

Local Roommate’s Tinder No Longer Ironic

March 26, 2018 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD — Earlier this week, area woman Becca Corkin officially changed her stance on the nature of her roommate’s Tinder usage. “I think it started off […]

Area Woman Unsure If Man Cute Or If She Just Bored

March 26, 2018 Alex Kukoff 0

WESTWOOD — Sources close to the scene report that area woman Bethany Watson is having a difficult time deciding if her male friend is cute or […]

Report: Dishes Still There

March 26, 2018 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD — According to a recent scientific study published by your roommates, findings verified that your dishes are still there. “After observing empirical data and […]

Plane Crashes After Man Forgets To Enable Airplane Mode

March 26, 2018 Matt Moldenhauer 0

NEW YORK — The Federal Aviation Administration released a press statement this morning, divulging that the Boeing 747 that crashed shortly after departing JFK International Airport […]

Dumb Opinion Definitely Not Worth Discussion Points

March 26, 2018 Alex Kukoff 0

WESTWOOD — After careful study, researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles have determined that expressing your dumb opinion is definitely not worth the discussion […]

So Cute! When This High Schooler Didn’t Have A Date To Prom, Her Best Friend’s Dad Offered to Spend the Night with Her in His Basement Instead!

March 26, 2018 Alex Kukoff 0

CLEVELAND, OH — Prom can be a super sad, stressful time for high-schoolers who don’t have dates. But when senior Becca Martin found herself without a […]

Posts pagination

1 2 »

  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
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  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
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  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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