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Month: February 2018

Slow-Moving Spider Can No Longer Be Ignored

February 27, 2018 Ivan Chavez 0

LOS ANGELES — Area woman Susan Williams realized that she could no longer ignore the slow-moving arachnid on her bedroom wall on Tuesday afternoon. “Usually, […]

Area Woman Pleased With Number of Likes on Post About Social Media Cleanse

February 27, 2018 Anya Bayerle 0

LOS ANGELES — Amateur photographer Amber Allman was pleasantly surprised at the number of likes she received on her latest Instagram post declaring her indefinite […]

Cute! This Crafty Mom Taught Us Her DIY Methamphetamine Recipe!

February 27, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

BOISE — Boise, Idaho native and Mom-Extraordinaire Karen-Michelle Cooper sat down with the girls in our test kitchen to show us her fun, easy recipe for […]

Five Valentine’s Day Gifts That Say “I’ll Never Love You Quite Like I Loved Amy”

February 14, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

We’ve all been there–you want to get the perfect gift for your girlfriend to tell her exactly how you feel about her, but you’re just […]

Bruin Republicans Book Logan Paul

February 12, 2018 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD — Bruin Republicans at UCLA announced today that they have partnered with conservative student group Turning Point USA to host disgraced YouTube personality Logan […]

Report: Professor Takes Plagiarism Very Seriously

February 11, 2018 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD — Sources from within Dr. Peter Roebling’s course on political polarization report that the tenured professor took a bold stance on academic integrity in […]

Op-Ed: It’s Only Okay to Use Science to Alter God’s Plan If It Involves a Pill That Gives Me an Erection

February 11, 2018 John Palmer 0

God has made a plan for all of us. We should not attempt to alter that plan with so-called science, unless, of course, that science […]

God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus

February 11, 2018 Erica Griggs 0

HEAVEN — God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. […]

CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now

February 11, 2018 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]

Minotaur Found Deep Within Recesses Of MathSci-Boelter

February 11, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

MOUNT WESTWOOD — Alas, my friends, that day the quest was dark, For on such a mission I embark, I had seen Scylla and Charybdis, […]

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