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Month: June 2017

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Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene gave a series of lap […]

TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these […]

Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]

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Friends Who Like Same Boy Comforted By Fact That Neither One Has A Chance

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—A potentially disastrous argument was avoided last week when two second year best friends, Rachel Makenna and Selena Atsinger, realized that neither of them has […]

Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

DENVER — Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks of exercising as an […]

Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

BALTIMORE — A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings […]

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Dining Hall Employee Getting Really Tired Of Your Shit

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—After multiple claims that she was getting frustrated with patrons stealing things, sneaking in, and generally causing a ruckus, dining hall employee Diane Wollman confirmed […]

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Rendezvous DJ To Receive Lifetime Achievement Award

June 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—After years of fruitless nominations, the popular DJ of UCLA students’ favorite dining facility, Rendezvous, is finally set to receive a lifetime achievement award. “We […]

Alex Jones Announces “InfoWars: On Ice!”

June 10, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

NEW YORK — Well-known performance artist Alex Jones announced today that he will be taking his conspiracy peddling radio show to Madison Square Garden with […]

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Study: Sunburn Suggests White Privilege Doesn’t Exist

June 10, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

TUSCALOOSA—Researchers at the University of Alabama have concluded, after extensive research on sunburn, that white privilege currently doesn’t exist and most likely has never existed […]

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