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Month: May 2017

Western Wall Grabbed By the Crevice

May 22, 2017 Nathan Glovinsky 0

JERUSALEM — On May 22, one of the holiest sites of the Abrahamic religions was allegedly accosted by a visiting tourist with incredibly small hands. […]

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Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle

May 22, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,” and third-grader Ben Quon, playing […]

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Local Fraternity Member Finally Grunts Louder Than Club Athlete At Wooden

May 21, 2017 Anya Bayerle 0

WESTWOOD–After months of training, UCLA fraternity member Kyle Lewis finally succeeded in grunting louder than that guy on the club baseball team while lifting. “That […]

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Report: One-Year-Old Water Bottle Still Not Washed

May 21, 2017 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD—Earlier this week, sources confirmed that third year Environmental Science major Elizabeth Maxwell hasn’t washed her reusable water bottle since she bought it last year. […]

How To Get Out Of That Frat Formal You Agreed To

May 21, 2017 Enabler Staff 0

Someone asked you to a frat formal and you accidentally agreed! Oh, no! Here’s WE’s best tips for getting out of it. Drop out of […]

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Selfless Area Woman Looks At Friends In Group Picture Too

May 21, 2017 Salma Zaky 0

LOS ANGELES, CA—Area woman Nicole Robinson always makes sure to look at her friends’ faces in a group picture, because that’s how her mother raised […]

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Sociology Student Solves Racism In Four-Page Paper

May 21, 2017 Anya Bayerle 0

WESTWOOD–In an act of true nobility, first-year sociology student Molly Rupert successfully ended racism in America with a four-page essay. “At first I was concerned […]

I Never Fucking Agreed To This

May 21, 2017 Powell Cat 0

Get the fuck away from me. I’m a cat. A black cat. Humans aren’t supposed to get near us, let alone fucking touch us. I […]

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Golden Key Honor Society Deadline Approaching

May 21, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Sources have confirmed that the deadline for the Golden Key Honor Society, who warns you of its upcoming deadline every couple of weeks, is rapidly […]

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Kid Really Good At Chess For Some Reason

May 21, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD – Local 12-year-old Eric Donovan is really good at chess for some reason, sources have reported. “I’ve seen him play with other kids and […]

Posts pagination

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  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

  • Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week

    WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]

  • “Sperm Racing” Event to Take Place in Communal Bathroom Shower Stall

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
  • Report: Straightest Woman You Know Won’t Stop Calling Boyfriend “Fruity”
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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