Weak, Lazy Pre-Med Prioritizes Sleep
WESTWOOD–In a statement released last Thursday, second year physiological science major, Jonathan Michaelson, confirmed that he does indeed value sleep more than some academic endeavors. […]
Month: April 2017
Local Homeless Man Now Takes Venmo
WESTWOOD—Local homeless man Rusty, on the corner of Westwood and Weyburn, has announced that he will now be accepting donations through the Venmo application. “People […]
Rock Bottom Student Grudgingly Joins Christian Fellowship
WESTWOOD—Surrendering himself to a life of chipper pamphlet distribution, Biology major Alex Kim reportedly joined a Christian fellowship group on campus after being seduced by […]
Exciting News: Hovering Over Public Toilets Proves To Be Most Effective Ab Workout
BEVERLY HILLS – A recent study has revealed that the most practical way to work out your abs is by hovering over public toilets. “Whenever […]
Classmate Somehow Always Surprised When His Turn To Talk In Circle
WESTWOOD—Sources confirm that second-year fine arts student Brett Phillips is somehow always surprised when it’s his turn to participate in class conversations that follow sequential […]
Area Man Worried Waiter Should Have Written Down Order
LOS ANGELES—While dining at a local restaurant with several friends on Monday, area man Greg Johnson became increasingly worried when the waiter did not write […]
Point: BU is Stinky/Counterpoint: All the Independents Have Cooties
Point: BU is Stinky by Ashley Jacobson (Independent) Bruins United is stinky! I mean, look at those guys! They all share the same values and […]
Area Hallucinogen User Ushers In New Era Of Enlightenment
WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following […]
Screaming Customer Inspires Cashier to Be Better
WESTWOOD–Sources confirm that an altercation with an infuriated customer inspired local retail worker Rachel Jefferson to be better. “It was an overwhelming personal experience, and […]
TA Thanks Students For Coming To Discussion As If They Had Fucking Choice
WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for […]