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Month: April 2017

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Weak, Lazy Pre-Med Prioritizes Sleep

April 30, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD–In a statement released last Thursday, second year physiological science major, Jonathan Michaelson, confirmed that he does indeed value sleep more than some academic endeavors. […]

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Local Homeless Man Now Takes Venmo

April 30, 2017 Jose Diaz de Leon 0

WESTWOOD—Local homeless man Rusty, on the corner of Westwood and Weyburn, has announced that he will now be accepting donations through the Venmo application. “People […]

Rock Bottom Student Grudgingly Joins Christian Fellowship

April 30, 2017 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD—Surrendering himself to a life of chipper pamphlet distribution, Biology major Alex Kim reportedly joined a Christian fellowship group on campus after being seduced by […]

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Exciting News: Hovering Over Public Toilets Proves To Be Most Effective Ab Workout

April 30, 2017 Salma Zaky 0

BEVERLY HILLS – A recent study has revealed that the most practical way to work out your abs is by hovering over public toilets. “Whenever […]

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Classmate Somehow Always Surprised When His Turn To Talk In Circle

April 30, 2017 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—Sources confirm that second-year fine arts student Brett Phillips is somehow always surprised when it’s his turn to participate in class conversations that follow sequential […]

Area Man Worried Waiter Should Have Written Down Order

April 30, 2017 Sierra Scott 0

LOS ANGELES—While dining at a local restaurant with several friends on Monday, area man Greg Johnson became increasingly worried when the waiter did not write […]

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Point: BU is Stinky/Counterpoint: All the Independents Have Cooties

April 30, 2017 Jessica Waite 0

Point: BU is Stinky  by Ashley Jacobson (Independent) Bruins United is stinky! I mean, look at those guys! They all share the same values and […]

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Area Hallucinogen User Ushers In New Era Of Enlightenment

April 30, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following […]

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Screaming Customer Inspires Cashier to Be Better

April 30, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Sources confirm that an altercation with an infuriated customer inspired local retail worker Rachel Jefferson to be better. “It was an overwhelming personal experience, and […]

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TA Thanks Students For Coming To Discussion As If They Had Fucking Choice

April 30, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for […]

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