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Month: March 2017

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Sandwich Undeserving Of Artisan Status

March 11, 2017 Jack Lyons 0
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Incredible! This Couple Got An Omelet At Covel And Didn’t Have Sex In Line

March 6, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

We all know how tempting it can be to intimately embrace your partner during that long, hard wait for a sizzling, delicious omelet at Covel […]

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Area Cat Contemplates Sisyphean Nature Of Licking Itself Clean

March 5, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD—Local cat Fluffy Winship Lion the Fourth was in the process of his regularly scheduled licking session when his tongue stopped and the existential dread […]

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Man Begins Running Solely To Carbo Load

March 5, 2017 Hannah Page 0

SACRAMENTO–Clarifying that he is not actually interested in getting fit, new runner Joshua Miller announced on social media that he is only interested in running […]

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Study: Nothing Better Than Just Kickin’ It With The Boys

March 5, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A study conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia concluded that nothing beats just hanging out and having a good time with the […]

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Study: Legalized Dueling Would Cause Significant Reduction Of Stupid Population

March 5, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

CHICAGO, IL—Scientists at the University of Chicago have concluded a two-year long study that proves legalized dueling would be a highly effective method of reducing […]

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Man Receives Prophecy From Different Gypsy Woman Than Usual

March 5, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Local man Martin Thompson was surprised today when his daily prophecy was delivered to him by a different gypsy woman than usual. “Usually when I’m […]

Gary Johnson Announces He Running For President In 2018

March 5, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

ALBUQUERQUE—Former Governor of New Mexico Gary Johnson revealed today that he intends to run for president in 2018. “After a lot of thinking, it is […]

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Heartwarming: This Constituent Donated His Balls To Paul Ryan

March 5, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

With President Trump in the White House and the country increasingly divided, here’s some heartwarming political news we can all feel good about: one of […]

TA Just Basking In Students’ Silence

March 5, 2017 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—Teaching Assistant Victoria Ivanov was reportedly just basking in students’ dumbfounded silence following a “vague question” in this week’s discussion for an upper-division political science […]

Posts pagination

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  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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