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Month: November 2016

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God Confused About Fidel Castro Death Reaction

November 30, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

THE HEAVENS— After scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, God expressed genuine confusion regarding humanity’s reaction to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro’s death. “I thought we […]

Dr. Ben Carson Appointed To Remove Stick From Mike Pence’s Ass

November 29, 2016 Jack Lyons 0

WASHINGTON–With Donald J. Trump’s transition team still filling positions in his cabinet, the president-elect has announced the appointment of retired neurosurgeon and former primary rival […]

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Woman Brings Up Her Sex Life To Avoid Discussing Politics At Thanksgiving Dinner

November 23, 2016 Kushal Chatterjee 0

MILWAUKEE, WI—Cutting off her father as he started to praise the new President-elect, Amy Richardson began a detailed discussion of her sex life. “Hey Dad, […]

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Inspiring: Version Of You In Parallel Universe Has Your Shit Together

November 20, 2016 Peter Carman 0

Finally, some good news: scientists and cosmologists have recently gotten together to confirm that in one of the infinite parallel worlds predicted by the multiverse […]

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Local Hipster Personally A Fan Of Macaulay Culkin’s Later Works

November 20, 2016 Kali Croke 0

WESTWOOD–After watching an airing of Home Alone on primetime cable, local hipster Samuel Stroller was reminded of his preference for Macaulay Culkin’s achievements as an […]

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Selfish Asshole Asks For Money Instead Of World Peace For Birthday

November 20, 2016 Kali Croke 0

WESTWOOD–Celebrating his 8th birthday this past week, narcissistic jackass Chad Brownfield neglected to consider thousands of dying individuals across the world when he wished for […]

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Chick-fil-a Challenges Starbucks’ War On Christmas With “Happy Birthday Jesus” Cup

November 20, 2016 Kali Croke 0

ATLANTA–Following outrage over Starbucks’ lack of Christmas imagery on its holiday cup design, Chick-fil-a announced plans to release a seasonal “Happy Birthday Jesus” cup, declaring […]

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UCLA Alum Doing Nothing Particularly Special with Life

November 20, 2016 Kali Croke 0

LOS ANGELES–Since graduating in 2009 with a degree in Applied Mathematics, UCLA alum Jack Hudson has been doing nothing particularly special with his life over […]

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Gold In Them-Thar Hills Actually Iron Sulfide

November 20, 2016 Peter Carman 0

BODIE, CA–The good dwellin’-folk of Bodie, CA, durn had a mighty hell of a shock this week when the fancy learnin’ men in town done […]

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POINT: Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed / COUNTERPOINT: Have You Seen That Video Of The Cop Giving People Ice Cream Cones?

November 20, 2016 Jack Lyons 0

Point Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed By: Matt Styles Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed. Half […]

Posts pagination

1 2 … 4 »

  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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