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Month: March 2016

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Study: Water Best Served Lukewarm

March 6, 2016 Jessica Waite 0

NEW YORK – A recent analytical study performed by New York University has revealed that water is best served at the body temperature of your […]

African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]

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Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]

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Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]

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Request For Water Cup Denied

March 6, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

HOUSTON—Upon ordering a No. 3 combo meal at a local Wendy’s, area man Greg Myers was shocked when his polite request for “a small cup […]

Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion

March 6, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]

Op-Ed: As Your Diary, I Want You To Know You Disgust Me

March 6, 2016 Diary 0

Dear Rachel, You’re filthy. The secrets you’ve poured into me send shivers down my spine. I ache for the day a prying friend of yours […]

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POINT: We Should Colonize Mars / COUNTERPOINT: Post-Colonial Literature Is Terrible

March 6, 2016 Kushal Chatterjee 0

Point We Should Colonize Mars By: Arthur Von Clarksburg Space is the final frontier. Much has been said about our distant horizon, the great manifest […]

Study: Trigger Warnings Are Totally Gay

March 6, 2016 Kushal Chatterjee 0

ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of intensive research, the International Forum on Trigger Warnings (IFTW) have concluded their work, and have definitively stated that trigger warnings […]

John Wooden Finally Peels Off Bronze Body Paint And Leaves Pauley Pavilion

March 6, 2016 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOD—After standing motionless on a pedestal in front of Pauley Pavilion for over three years, legendary basketball coach John Wooden finally removed his bronze body […]

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