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Month: November 2015

Undocumented Immigrants Taking All Of Nation’s Resources, Says Study Conducted By Racist Uncle

November 30, 2015 Melissa Peng 0

FREMONT, CA — For the fourth consecutive year in a row, self-proclaimed scientist and uncle to five Joey Burke announced at a Thanksgiving dinner turned […]

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Students Take Break From Battling On-Campus Hate To Hate Crosstown Rivals

November 27, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

LOS ANGELES – Lobbing disparaging remarks at the Trojan student body during the UCLA-USC football game Saturday, students at the University of California, Los Angeles […]

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Op-Ed: Shouldn’t ALL Fridays Matter?

November 27, 2015 Nathan Guzik 0

This holiday season, we’ve all gathered our families together to reminisce about the year gone by, and wish each other well into the coming year. […]

Astrophysics Students Blinded from Looking Directly at the Sun

November 25, 2015 Ken Rudnick 0

WESTWOOD, CA — A class of 23 UCLA students from the astrophysics general education course ‘My Star and Me’ were blinded this Monday after taking part […]

Louisiana Denies Governor Jindal Refuge From GOP Primary

November 24, 2015 Jack Lyons 0

BATON ROUGE, LA — Following his displacement from the GOP primary due to instability within the party, Governor Bobby Jindal was denied refuge by his […]

Report: Single Gourd In B-Plate Promises Festive Holiday Season

November 24, 2015 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD — Sources confirmed today that B-Plate has risen the stakes this holiday season, as the addition of a single gourd to the dining hall’s […]

Local Family Eats Cornbread Out Of A Turkey’s Ass

November 22, 2015 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES — The Suelden family will be gathering in their home to eat cornbread out of a turkey’s ass this Thanksgiving, sources confirmed. “Yes, […]

Student Lists Proficiency At Microsoft Word As Only Skill On Resume

November 22, 2015 Melissa Peng 0

WESTWOOD — Eager to advertise her technological savvy, UCLA student Jennifer Shaw made sure to highlight her experience with Microsoft’s popular word processor by including nothing […]

Freshman Has Yet To Meet Gay Best Friend

November 22, 2015 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD — First year student Carly Lockwood told reporters last Friday that she does not understand how, in nearly two months at UCLA, she has […]

Powell To Be Converted Into Temple For John Wooden

November 22, 2015 Tucker Moses-Hanson 0

WESTWOOD —The UCLA Department of Administration held a joint ad-hoc meeting last Tuesday with the Center for the Study of Religion (CSR) to discuss plans […]

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  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

  • Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week

    WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]

  • “Sperm Racing” Event to Take Place in Communal Bathroom Shower Stall

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
  • Report: Straightest Woman You Know Won’t Stop Calling Boyfriend “Fruity”
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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