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Month: March 2015

POINT: You’re All Scientists! / COUNTERPOINT: Don’t Fucking Lie To These People

March 22, 2015 Jessica Waite 0

Point You’re All Scientists! By: Professor Deborah DeBousse, UCLA Biology Come on now, class. Think back about your past few days. What did you notice? […]

South Campus Runs Military Training Exercises Near North Campus Border

March 13, 2015 Vincent Le 0

WESTWOOD—Declaring that South Campus is the only true campus, members of the South Campus Confederation ran military training exercises near the North Campus border on […]

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Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions

March 12, 2015 Jessica Waite 0

ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang […]

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Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot

March 12, 2015 Saniya Anand 0

SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing […]

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Chancellor Officially Announces Campus Theme As ‘Bricks’

March 12, 2015 Reed MacDonald 0

WESTWOOD—Drawing intrigue on the part of staff and students alike, Chancellor Gene Block officially announced UCLA’s new theme for the 2015-2016 school year as ‘Bricks’. […]

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U.S. Ranks 39th in Education, 1st in Kicking Ass

March 12, 2015 Vincent Le 0

WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to […]

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Man Afraid Of Mispronouncing Dinner Order Gets Bread, Side Of Meatballs

March 11, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and […]

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Report: Students Born In The Year 1900 Smarter; Dead

March 11, 2015 Reed MacDonald 0

RIVERSIDE, CA—Citing a new study by the Institute of New Era Insight, UC Riverside Chancellor Kim [man] A. Wilcox declared that students born in the […]

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Report: Quality Of Fanfics Goes Down

March 10, 2015 Jessica Waite 0

MELBOURNE—Recent statistics from the Australian Bureau of Pop Culture indicate that the quality of fan-written fiction about a series, or “fanfics”, tends to go downhill […]

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Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up

March 10, 2015 Vincent Le 0

GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and […]

Posts pagination

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  • Texts reading "I started making music from home a few months ago. And you listen with headphones and just let me know your HONEST thoughts"

    I Lived It: An Old Friend Reached Out Just To Share Their Beats

    It’s a cool early summer evening. The moon is glowing, the stars are shining, and I’m taking advantage of this peaceful night by scrolling through […]

  • Global Prayers Rejected: New Pope Is American

    HEAVEN — Millions of prayers coming in from around the world were denied yesterday evening as the Catholic Church appointed its first ever American pope. […]

  • Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?

    Elon Musk, If you can find any room in your Grinch-sized heart, please do your job for once. If you are trying to make the […]

  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not

    With the death of Pope Francis, the first “woke pope,” the cardinals will soon enter conclave to pick the newest pontifex. I liked Pope Francis. […]

  • Opinion: He/Him Is Gender Neutral

    Hey guys. A lot of guys seem to be getting mad at me for using he/him pronouns even when referring to guys who aren’t guys. […]

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