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Month: March 2015

POINT: You’re All Scientists! / COUNTERPOINT: Don’t Fucking Lie To These People

March 22, 2015 Jessica Waite 0

Point You’re All Scientists! By: Professor Deborah DeBousse, UCLA Biology Come on now, class. Think back about your past few days. What did you notice? […]

South Campus Runs Military Training Exercises Near North Campus Border

March 13, 2015 Vincent Le 0

WESTWOOD—Declaring that South Campus is the only true campus, members of the South Campus Confederation ran military training exercises near the North Campus border on […]

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Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions

March 12, 2015 Jessica Waite 0

ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang […]

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Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot

March 12, 2015 Saniya Anand 0

SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing […]

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Chancellor Officially Announces Campus Theme As ‘Bricks’

March 12, 2015 Reed MacDonald 0

WESTWOOD—Drawing intrigue on the part of staff and students alike, Chancellor Gene Block officially announced UCLA’s new theme for the 2015-2016 school year as ‘Bricks’. […]

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U.S. Ranks 39th in Education, 1st in Kicking Ass

March 12, 2015 Vincent Le 0

WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to […]

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Man Afraid Of Mispronouncing Dinner Order Gets Bread, Side Of Meatballs

March 11, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and […]

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Report: Students Born In The Year 1900 Smarter; Dead

March 11, 2015 Reed MacDonald 0

RIVERSIDE, CA—Citing a new study by the Institute of New Era Insight, UC Riverside Chancellor Kim [man] A. Wilcox declared that students born in the […]

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Report: Quality Of Fanfics Goes Down

March 10, 2015 Jessica Waite 0

MELBOURNE—Recent statistics from the Australian Bureau of Pop Culture indicate that the quality of fan-written fiction about a series, or “fanfics”, tends to go downhill […]

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Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up

March 10, 2015 Vincent Le 0

GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and […]

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