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Month: April 2014

UCLA Secrets Used To Uncover Double Homicide

April 30, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD – The UCPD has announced that the latest piece of evidence in their double-homicide case was revealed through “UCLA Secrets”, a Facebook page operated […]

Bruin Statue Gives Birth To Twin Cub Sculptures

April 28, 2014 Nathan Guzik 1

WESTWOOD — In an exciting development that has captured the hearts of the entire student body, the faculty at UCLA have confirmed the birth of […]

FDA Increases Serving Size Of Jäger For Non-Pussies

April 23, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration announced the department’s decision to increase the recommended serving size […]

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Spring Sing Showdown To Be Held At Rose Bowl

April 21, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD – In response to continuing demand for Spring Sing tickets, the UCLA Central Ticketing Office (CTO) has announced a special competition—for those who could not […]

Easter Bunny Leaves Eggs Filled With Edibles

April 20, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

LOS ANGELES—Parents today were shocked to find that the popular holiday mascot known as the Easter Bunny had left marijuana-laced “edibles” in children’s baskets across […]

Why Yes, My Daughter Would Love To Join Your Spanish Folk Dance Society

April 19, 2014 Luke Moran 0

Honey. Hey honey? Chrissie-buns? Come over to this table please, I want you to meet someone. Just put your phone down for one second… Oh […]

Pauley Pavilion to Be Converted Into Sexile Refugee Camp

April 16, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD – In response to a sudden increase in sexual activity in campus-owned housing, UCLA has announced its decision to convert Pauley Pavilion into a […]

Goth Club To Host Gothic Holi

April 15, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—After reportedly “feeling left out” during the festivities that took place at the Sunset Rec center this past weekend, members of UCLA’s goth club have […]

Mysterious Piano Falls On Coyote In Desert

April 15, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

SONORAN DESERT—Arizona Highway Patrol were awestruck this morning when they discovered the disintegrated remains of an Eastern desert coyote spread for nearly sixty feet and […]

Bruin Plate Overpopulation To Be Solved Via One-Child Policy

April 14, 2014 Christopher Wong 0

WESTWOOD, CA – The Undergraduate Population Control Board (UPCB) enacted a strict one-child policy Saturday in an attempt to quell the burgeoning overpopulation issue plaguing […]

Posts pagination

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  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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