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Month: February 2014

UCLA Students In Uproar Over Cookie Shortage

February 26, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD – Police were called in today to break up a riot that started after an unnamed pre-med student purchased the last box of Thin […]

Obama Issues Executive Order To Become Character In Game Of Thrones

February 25, 2014 Stephen Reichenbach 0

NEW YORK—In an unprecedented use of executive authority, Barack Obama has issued an order to be written into the immensely-popular HBO fantasy series Game of […]

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Bold Approach Leaves Italics In Dust

February 25, 2014 Luke Moran 0

The Enabler Asks You: Do you support the proposal to divide California?

February 22, 2014 Luke Moran 0

As many of our readers may know, a petition to divide California into 6 different states has been gaining momentum over the past several weeks. […]

Cancer Patient Bearing Shaun White’s Hair Filled With Chagrin

February 21, 2014 Christopher Wong 0

MEMPHIS, TN – Julianna Norton, a 12-year old cancer patient at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, told reporters Thursday night that she has regrets about […]

A Guide to Cockblocking: How to Ensure No One Else Gets Laid, Either

February 20, 2014 Jessica Waite 1

Are you tired of watching your friends bring home a different partner after every party? Sick of being sexiled? Just plain lonely and bitter? The […]

Clinton Supporters Climb Fence, Incite Riot

February 20, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—In a scene more suited for european soccer matches than politics, a horde of Clinton supporters climbed a fence near the Central Ticketing Office today, […]

Hammer Museum Installation Features Multiple Floors, Door Open/Door Close Buttons

February 17, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—With its futuristic sliding doors and innovative “moving platform”, Michael Hobart’s “Ascension” is the Hammer museum’s latest installation to test the bounds of the contemporary […]

Haunted House Willed to Heirs, If They Can Stay Through One Entire Night

February 16, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

SEATTLE, WA—After hearing of their late great-uncle Alfred Corman’s passing via his obituary in the Seattle Evening Post, siblings Andrew and Pauline Mortensen were left […]

Area Teenager Eats Pint Of Ice Cream Without Wearing Sweatpants

February 14, 2014 Christopher Wong 0

WESTWOOD, CA—Major concerns were raised in the Westwood community early Friday evening after local teenager Dorothy Springer finished off her pint of Cherry Garcia ice […]

Posts pagination

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  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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