Dear Julio Frenk,
UCLA has been under a lot of controversy lately. The encampments and the mob attack on them, the cops everywhere, deportations, budget cuts, strikes, everything. I know this must be tough for you, as someone who could fix almost all of this, but refuses to. You need to look good, and distract from all the rabble demanding you “divest from genocide” or “pay your workers.” Bah! You know better. What those students really need is to know that you’re listening. That you care. That you #BruinConnect with them. That’s why, instead of giving them raises or divesting, what you need to do is to declare the Ackerman third-floor men’s restroom a cultural heritage site due to its history of cruising, and to protect it from any changes that may make it worse for the brave men that frequent it.
There is a long and storied history of this space being used by the men-loving-men community. According to a post on cruisinggays.com, this has been a space for the local gay community of old men to find hot young twinks since at least 2008. With features like a row of twenty urinals without any stalls between them, massive gaps in the doors of the toilet stalls, and enough space to fit four or five classic triples, this is the perfect place for discreet cruising on campus, and the gays have known that for a long time.
Look, we both know all those queers out protesting are easily distracted by things like themed De Neve menus and the open question of Joe Bruin’s sexuality. What you need right now is to give those twinks a distraction. What could be better than a plaque unveiling ceremony hosted in the Ackerman third-floor men’s restroom?
We could put your face on it, and it could even include phrases showing your support for the LGBTQ+ community, like “you sashay hunty girl!” or “queen out diva down bussy!” You could even invite Alpha Omega Tampon to be there, and maybe you come out as bicurious! Just an idea.
On top of this, the current LGBTQ center is getting a bit old. What better location to set up a new, improved center than the extremely spacious third-floor bathrooms? We could even make the new center even woker by adding more letters, turning it into the LGBTQIA+ center. Remember, the “A” in LGBTQIA+ stands for Ackerman!
Julio Frenk, if you truly want to support the queer community at UCLA, this is how you do it. In the meantime, you can catch me in the Ackerman third-floor men’s restroom. Sit down in the stall next to mine and give your foot a couple of taps if you want to chat.
Yours Queerly,
Gabe McNeill
