Student Elections are often confusing, skull-smashingly boring affairs, where we have the chance to make the over-achievers and go getters of today become the politicians and shells-of-their-former-selves of tomorrow. In order to help our fellow Bruins understand who is best suited to best suit their office, the Westwood Enabler has compiled a list of top candidates, based on the flyers that were kindly shoved down our collective throats on Bruinwalk. REMEMBER: VOTE OR DIE. VOTING IS FLEETING BUT DEATH IS FOREVER.
Sam “Slamma-Jamma” Sengari
Running for: El Presidente de Studente
Major: Mystical Beasts, Minor in Bigfoot Studies
Platforms: Federate Twerk Teams into representative, proportional districts; integrate and ally Booty Clap frats with community service agencies, and Earn Big $$$ Working From Home
Qualifications: Current Chair Owner
Hobbies: Dog smuggling, BInge-fishing
Audrey “Can’t Touch This” Freedman
Running for: Vice President of Ex Girlfriends
Major: Theoretical Gymnastics
Platforms: Bring back the UCLA Firing Squad, Selling laptops in vending machines
Qualifications: Chief Staff Director of Directing Chief Staff. Chair of “AIDS for Grades” campaign, Representative for Hispanic Sushi Chefs Union
Hobbies: Collecting retro torture devices, Dressage
Fern “Gully” Rothchild
Running for: General Admission
Major: Voodoo Sports Medicine
Platforms: Mandatory smoking on campus, Separate trash bins for condoms
Qualifications: Goes to UCLA, Knows a guy who can get you into IMAX movies for the price of a child’s ticket
Hobbies: Dragon slaying, Hyphen-ation
Nihal “Saturday Night” Satyadev
Running for: Representative Dude
Major: Historical Chemistry
Platforms: Campus-wide juggling ban, Rent a Shoe shoe rental service
Qualifications: Owns a pen and a clipboard, can make really mediocre pancakes. Director of Internal Vice Staff Directing
Hobbies: Moon-howling, watching TV through storefront windows
Kevin “Raw Eggs” Pertstall
Running for: Vice President of Magic
Major: French Go-karting
Platforms: Separate trash cans for transgender trash and transgender recycling, Bust Must Plus
Qualifications: Fourth Place in 2013 Hot Dog Eating Championship, handstands, pushups. Vice Chair of Chair Vices
Hobbies: YouTube commentating, Man-teasing, Playing that game where a ball is on a string tied to a cup and you have to catch the ball inside the cup, Skeeball
Carlos “Do You Even Lift?” Questal
Running for: Vice President of Galactic Star Union
Major: Atomic Gardening, Minor in Breakdancing
Platforms: Bring back the UCLA gallows, Free Soup for Soupless Teens
Qualifications: Shouting, Safety Dance Director. Chief Vice Director for Team Edward
Hobbies: Quidditch, Home-phoning, Digital Soup Rendering
Nepalese “Catsup” Ketchup
Running for: Vice Condiment
Major: Instinctual Spanish, Nepalese Ketchup Physics
Platforms: “Cut The Mustard” Anti-Mustard Slander Campaign
Qualifications: 57, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Chief Staff Infection of Directors
Hobbies: Being hard to reach, Going out to eat, Being knifed, Spilling on your new white shirt
Jeffery “Don’t Call Me White” Whiteman
Running for: Grand Wizard of Waverly Place
Major: Political Geometry
Platforms: “Gettin’ Paid, Gettin’ Laid” Student Escort Service
Qualifications: Champion Holla’er, Three time Annual Hezbollah Bake-Off Winner
Hobbies: Questionable life choices, going to nightclubs to watch other people dance while telling his friends “I don’t dance,” Pretending to have no money when homeless people ask him for change
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Voting will take place in the alley behind Ralphs between Midnight and Halloween. Ask for Brad, tell him the Enabler sent you. Democracy!
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