SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, and that everyone else would be spending the afterlife getting waterboarded by Satan. “Thanks for playing, everyone! And sorry Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, atheists, indie religion fans, and anyone who lived before 1820 and wasn’t around to hear Joseph Smith spread My one true gospel,” said God, adding that He only wanted to reward the most faithful, so any future “bandwagon” Mormons would also be waterboarded. “It’s truly been an honor to host this universe. I love you all, but I especially love My real OG Mormons.” At press time, God said He might consider accepting one more religion as true, citing His soft spot for Kool Aid–fueled suicide pacts.
