WESTWOOD—Chancellor Gene D. Block announced in a university press release today that if enough students donate one kidney to UCLA for the True Bruin Challenge, corporate donors will give an additional 250,000 kidneys to the cause.
“The way I see it, a stockpile of kidneys is the only way that we as an institution of higher learning and a community alike can uphold our True Bruin Values and filter out corruption from the outside world,” said Block, as he drafted a mass email with the subject line: “Prove That You Bleed Blue and Gold (And Probably Red) With UCLA’s New Organ Donation Grand Challenge!” He has reportedly cleared a “substantial amount of space” in the basement of Murphy Hall that will serve as a storage facility for the influx of kidneys that is expected to pour into the university in the coming weeks.
In addition to the 1500 student kidneys that have already been donated to the cause, corporate donors have promised to award the university with 250,000 more kidneys to thank the students for their commitment and to remind them that hard work certainly pays off. These extra kidneys will be put to good use: some will be piled onto the substantial mound in Murphy Hall, while others will be Bruin-tized in the inverted fountain and transplanted into incoming freshman so that they can never stray far from their True Bruin Values.
“We want to remind every student that kidneys are invaluable in today’s economy, for their symbolic power is far greater than that which we erroneously place on money. The student body here at UCLA can only be balanced and rid of toxins through the all-powerful force of Kidney Mountain.” Block hopes that this challenge will encourage students to donate “at least one kidney” to the cause of excreting the damaging external forces of sexism, racism, “and any other -isms” that have the potential to negatively affect campus life.
“My only hope is that when visitors near and far venture into the bowels of Murphy Hall and lay eyes upon Kidney Mountain, they will recognize that we Bruins are a unique breed who care deeply about the greater good.”
At press time, Block was hiding a raffle ticket for his quarterly office hour somewhere inside of Kidney Mountain.
